Now what is casual sex? It’s a type isn’t it? A type that everybody is supposed to take up at least once in their lives and perhaps even continue to adorn it as a way of life.
It’s not really a type, you know? It’s a way of denying ourselves some truths that we don’t wish to see. It’s an outcome of the mechanisation of our emotions because we’re afraid to give in, afraid to invest, afraid to feel, be it for the nth time or the first time ever, as a consequence of our experiences, both first hand and second.
Some successfully forego their emotions; hide them amidst the entanglements of the sheet to engage in something very detached and casual, something that involves nothing but the body. Everything’s physical, nothing mental.
How much of that is really true for you? Only feeling with the body are you, when you let him touch you like that and then you forget him the next instant, or maybe by the next day, at the most?
You can’t. You actually can’t forget him and those beautiful moments you shared with him, by the next morning. They linger in your mind until it makes you feel sick because you realise you’re not supposed to take those moments very far.
You feel sorry for taking them far. You feel like he did you wrong and then you realise that you let him do you ‘wrong’.
There are some of us who are pros at hiding our feelings and stacking our emotions at one distant corner of our minds and we feel completely happy about being able to feel and enjoy physical pleasure without any inherent emotional attachments but for some of us it might not be all that easy to put those emotions away.
Let’s keep the emotions aside. Let’s talk practical. Anything that makes you have to feel sorry about yourself is something that’s not for you. Here’s how to know whether you’re telling yourself otherwise, when your heart is looking for something more than just the ‘casual’ bit of ‘it’.
YOU ARE PRIORITISING SOMEONE ELSE’S NEEDS OVER YOURS
You think doing something for somebody now might increase chances of your expectations being met later on? It doesn’t work that way. The fun fact is that the faster you give in to someone’s sexual whims, the more quickly you start to lose interest to them, because the chase is over. Sex is the most extreme form of intimacy for a couple to engage in, and once it is attained there is no superior motive to carry on the chase, unless a man by then becomes emotionally inclined to you and adores you for more than just your body, he will get bored and let you go.
So don’t be the nice girl and subject yourself to his fancies against your will because giving him sex will not bring a sense of gratefulness or acknowledgement in him. Hence, don’t undermine your needs to please him. Make sure what you’re giving is not something you’re giving against your will and that you’re giving only in return of your needs being met.
YOU’RE TRYING TO BE COOL WITH IT BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS ARE
You’re not silly enough to follow trends blindly, are you? It’s okay if you aren’t comfortable with something that others survive on. You make your own choices and you must always do what comes to you naturally and not what seems cool or the ‘in-thing’. Sporting a pair of torn jeans for the first time or a new range of freshly launched bralettes, (that are popular among your friends) to check if they suit you cannot be akin to trying out casual sex to see if it suits you, out of peer pressure, because sex is not just physical but much more mental; the truth remains no matter how persistently your friends deny it. The meaning of sex to you will remain intact and their truths need not define yours because feelings of sexual pleasure and emotional fulfilment are very subjective.
YOU ARE REFLECTING ON IT BEFORE AND AFTER IT OCCURS
It takes barely 15 to 20 minutes to get done with it, but you spend days pondering upon it, post its occurrence and stressing about it prior to its occurrence. Do you think that’s anywhere near casual? What do you mean by casual? Something that’s careless, relaxed and stress-free. But what has your definition of ‘casual sex’ been? Ask yourself. Listen to yourself.
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU OWE HIM LESS THAN WHAT YOU’VE GIVEN
You owed him nothing. Did you think about what you were doing for yourself when you were giving him sex? Regret and repentance are signs enough to realise that you aren’t happy about what you are committing yourself to.
You feel like you gave away too much of yourself for nothing in return but physical satisfaction which in fact doesn’t even feel satisfactory at the least. You got the attractive guy you’ve been eyeing on for months to touch you but should you have allowed him to get so close to you without wanting to know you enough on a greater level? If that is how you feel then you certainly have expectations bigger than physical pleasure. You are actually looking for the strings to be attached in some subtle way or another but denying it to yourself because the one person you admire is denying it to you. Somebody else might not.
YOU DON’T FEEL SATISFACTION AFTER ENGAGING IN SEX
Did you like engaging in that kinky impromptu kind of sex? Did it leave you feeling satisfied or disappointed? Meeting this guy for the third time and making out in his car? Do you feel good about it? Did you rather feel like talking for a bit longer but you thought playing touch and touch was probably the way to get him to open up gradually? Men may not find the need to connect with you like that to have sex with you and there are women out there too who may not require to build much of a rapport with a man to have sex with him. Yes a certain level of mental bond may form but then that too is rare and doesn’t really last long or doesn’t provide a strong base for the bond to grow any further.
YOU CHIDE YOURSELF FOR EXPECTING FROM THIS PERSON
You scold yourself for not being able to be acclimated to his ways. He is a nice guy you tell yourself. He isn’t doing anything against your will. He didn’t even force himself on you. You are attracted to him and so is he; you let him touch you like that and why wouldn’t he? He is attracted to you after all.
But the question is what do you want? Are you looking for him to give you something other than what he is willing to provide you with? You are not content with what he is ready to provide you with, but you prioritise his desire over yours and then chide yourself for expecting otherwise. Why?
Your expectations aren’t over the top. There are people out there who are willing to meet all of them then why settle for what you don’t even want? Why settle for casual sex when what you’re actually looking for, is someone to love you as much as they love your body.
YOU BEGIN TO FEEL CHEAP FROM BEING REJECTED
First you chide yourself for the unrealistic/unworkable expectations and then you feel cheap for being satisfied with such a lowly treatment which only you have subjected yourself to. You feel disrespected and not valued enough for the person you really are. Are you content with so less, you ask yourself and a shuddering response comes back from deep within, “NO”.
If you aren’t, then stop depriving yourself of what your heart desires and what the person in you seeks. If it’s not casual sex but sex entwined with a bountiful of love then that’s what you should go after. Don’t deliberately confuse yourself.