If we look around and see, we will realize that we live in a sexualized society. We are sexual and we enjoy sexual experiences but are you the one who is different and feels excluded when it comes to sexuality? Or have you known someone like that around you? A state of mind where you have no sexual feelings or associations is referred to as asexuality and even though you might think that sex is such a delightful experience to be devoid of it , asexuality is a thing that exists. If you think you are asexual and find it difficult to understand asexuality, this article will definitely be of use.
What is Asexuality?
Asexuality put in the simplest of words means that a person feels no sexual attraction but this doesn’t mean that the person is not as normal as you are. Asexual people are not inherently different from you, it’s just that they experience sexual attraction a bit differently. Most important insight is that just because a person is asexual doesn’t mean that he/she cannot choose to have sex. They can still choose to have sex and make love and be romantically engaged in a relationship. Yes, they can be involved in a normal relationship. Sounds a bit confusing? Well! All you need to know is that asexuality isn’t a choice, it is a feeling that resides in a person who doesn’t accurately feels sexually fascinated to any gender. Asexual people can be lesbian, gay, straight, bisexual and pansexual. A lot of people confuse asexuality to having a low libido which is absolutely wrong. Having a low libido is a medical issue and it has nothing to do with asexuality. Another big confusion is that asexuality means the person is repressive on his sexual desires. That’s untrue. Asexual people do not hold back their sexual needs or desires.
Here are a few ways to deal with asexuality in you or around you.
Communicate about it without fear
Any relationship to last long needs to have intact clear and open communication. That is the key to stability and a smooth running relationship. Hence, it is important that your partner is aware that you are asexual. While dating someone, you should clear who and what you are in the beginning itself as dating is the stage where you try and get to know each other. While you are exploring each other and taking interest in each other’s life, it is important that you give out this piece of information. On the other hand, if the person you are dating is coming to you and telling you that he or she is asexual, don’t consider it as an excuse to back out, they simply want to tell you about themselves. So it is important that their initiative and efforts are respected.
Differentiate it from Celibacy or Abstinence
Abstinence is when a person makes deliberate choice of not involving in sexual intimacy or when a person on purpose suppresses his sexual desires and wants. Whereas Celibacy is refraining from marriage like relationships. An asexual person can be an abstinent or celibate but it doesn’t mean that they are. They can choose to be an abstinent or celibate as per their wish. They can be sexually active also, whether with their partner or by indulging in masturbation.
There is nothing wrong with dating
Once in my college, I heard a classmate say that he would never date an asexual person as he does not want to be at a disadvantage and bear the curse of asexuality. I then realized why I needed to write this article. A lot of people are of this opinion that it is a nightmare to hook up with an asexual person. This is only because they associate asexuality to a deformity and a medical condition and they assume that asexual people cannot have normal sex lives. Therefore, let me tell you that dating an asexual person is as normal as dating a sexual person. It also does not mean that your relationship will have no spark and you will always be craving for intimacy. Your asexual partner can be amazing on bed and you guys can also have a lot of new experiences together. Asexuality doesn’t mean that there is no romantic attraction or the person will always make a firm choice of refraining from indulging in any sort of sexual activity. As said before it is a feeling and it has nothing to do with choices.
Do not change forcefully
Never try to change an asexual person and if you are one, never try the unsophisticated society hamper you so much that you choose to change yourself forcefully. Asexuality is not a disorder or a problem that needs to be fixed. It is just similar to homosexuality, just like it is not a preference or a choice, asexuality too isn’t a decision that you take. Hence, don’t let the unworldly people affect you or influence you to make changes. Asexuality is a normal thing. A lot of times the pressure around and constant nagging can make you think that you are discontented and that you do not have a normal life. It is important that you understand that it is just that they aren’t equipped with the right information, you have as normal a life as anybody.
Don’t think that it’s just a phase
At times, you yourself can get into a confusion because of lack of knowledge. You might have thoughts that your disassociation to sexuality is a phase and you will soon overcome it. There will be naive people around you who will walk up to you and say that you needn’t worry as this is just a phase. Don’t consider it as a phase that will pass. As said before, it is normal and absolutely fine and hence, it doesn’t need to pass.
Don’t push yourself for medical help
Screaming out loud and again that ‘Asexuality is not a disorder or medical condition’. I believe that is enough said. Moral of the story- don’t feel excluded or distinguished to go to a doctor and get some treatment.
It has nothing to do with bad experiences
‘Don’t give up on sex just because you had a bad experience’ is something that people are going to throw at you quite often. Asexuality has nothing related to a bad sexual experience. It doesn’t evolve out of chain of experiences or something, it is a natural feeling and thus has no connection with negative incidents. It’s true that there are people who have been a victim of abusive relationships and are asexual but there are a lot of people who are sexual too. So, that doesn’t really establish a connection there.
Do not consider yourself weird
It is foolish to think that you are offbeat and do not belong to the mainstream. You are different but you are just different from sexual people, that is the only difference you have, the same as they have with you. There is nothing cranky or unusual about being asexual and as soon as you realize that, you are sorted and content.
I am sure that this must have helped in understand asexuality better and in future, if somebody walks up to you to tell you that he/she is asexual, you are going to be polite and will make sense while talking to them and are surely not going to give them advices and remedies on overcoming asexuality.
Ashwathi is an enthusiastic traveller and dancer with a passion for movies and music. Hailing from an Army background, she considers herself fortunate enough to have experienced the diverse cultures that India boasts of. She is a graduate in Journalism and Mass Communications and has worked in print, radio and television.