If you happen to be in a relationship with a narcissist, you tend to be more caring of others than you are to yourself. You are much more aware of the kind of selfless service you keep offering to people endlessly without demanding anything in return. In short, you become much more of a giver than a taker. You are all too mindful of what your partner needs or expects since you love him or prioritise him over everything else. Is that really the kind of love you deserve? Is it really healthy? Or are you just feeding your partner’s needs and in the process, allowing him to be even more selfish?
Narcissists love everything that caters to them, solely them. In the much-acclaimed work, ‘Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist’, Steven Carter and Julia Sokol tell us how to deal with a narcissist:
Question your habit of tending to his needs all the time:
Ask yourself why do you always feel the need to assume responsibility of an adult, in this case, your partner. When do you think you developed this habit? Being a people pleaser might have won you a number of things in the past and must have been reckoned as one of your most desirable traits, but are you aware that your narcissistic partner might be just taking advantage of this very trait? That he has been really smart enough to sense this quality in you and has been trying to manipulate you all this time?
Try and weigh what you would lose if you stopped pleasing him:
Question yourself as to why you incessantly feel the need to assume responsibility for your partner’s toxic traits? Does he do as much as you do for him? What consequences would you face if you stopped putting in this much effort to make the relationship work? What separates a narcissist from others is the fact that their selfishness pretty much eats into everything and they do not take or feel responsible for other’s happiness. They are pretty much rigid that way in doing what they do in their way, without any feeling of empathy towards their partners.
Examine if you love yourself:
Do you take care of yourself as much as you take care of your narcissist partner? Have you spent unnecessarily on your partner instead of looking after your immediate needs? Do you constantly feel the need to pamper him emotionally and well as materially? Also, has this become a regular habit? In dealing with a toxic partner, learn to self-love first. When you can do that you can claim to love others. This is the best thing you can do to yourself. You are more important than anything else.
How are things with your closed ones?
Do you have dependents you need to take care of? Do they take advantage of your kindness and suck your energy to their benefit? Is the root cause of selfless giving buried in your early years? Try and dig into the basics and you will know how to deal effectively with your narcissist partner.
Relationships do not grow in vacuum. If you feel that looking after your partner’s desires or necessities all the time is what a true relationship is all about, you need to relearn the basics of a healthy relationship. You need to grow and become the best version of yourself with him. Let not anyone take over you. Value yourself more. This is the best you can do.
Born and brought up in India, Anushree's thoughts have been conditioned by a surrounding diverse in all aspects. She aspires to travel round the world and have a taste of the culture, food and music. Her Masters in Political Science has given her a reality check as to where India stands in enlightening its womenfolk. Writing gives her the freedom to materialize her ideas and allow people to sneak into her mind. She finds it fun and liberating.