A lot of taboo surrounds intimacy and sex. While some of it comes from the societal stereotypes, the rest is from the detrimental attempt at glorifying it. The reason I use the word detrimental here is because so many misconceptions have surrounded having sex that in the absence of proper knowledge we tend to accept them as something that is normal. One amongst these misconceptions is the surrender to painful sex. It isn’t normal and not just because pain during sex can mean you have a medical condition but because pain shouldn’t be a part of sex. So, what is it that stops us from talking about this?
Pain has become a Measure of Satisfaction
Thanks to the porn videos that many of us view, it has become an understanding that as long as sex doesn’t hurt it can’t be fulfilling. We take it as a given, or as a measure of how divine our sex life is. Heaven doesn’t hurt like Hell, however. Don’t force yourself into liking the uncomfortable part of intercourse just because it is supposed to be so, for it isn’t. Even if the pain is mild, when it makes you uneasy it has become a problem which needs to go away.
Men and women alike are subjected to sexist expectations when it comes to this issue. While men keep quiet because they are supposed to be strong enough to bear all kinds of pain, they usually speak up a lot more often than women do. The reason behind this is the conflicting ideologies that we come across. On one hand, sex is supposed to be enjoyable and fun, while on the other we are taught by the society that it’s awkward, risky, or plain wrong. These inner conflicts that arise from these, combined with our desire to keep our partner satisfied is what makes women stay silent, even when sex isn’t fun and enjoyable.
Our inability to accept ourselves for who we are and love that can also lead to silence on the issue of painful sex. The problem grows especially intense when it is hard for you to get men to like you maybe because of a physical disability, which let me tell you arises from your inability to like yourself and nothing else. We try to save the man who has finally shown some interest in us and endure all the pain that keeping them satisfied costs. We all want to be loved and the thought of not being loved is scary, however, what is more, important is keeping our well-being ahead of everything else, even relationships. Bearing pain isn’t the price you are supposed to pay to receive acceptance.
Unlearning what’s been taught
We are raised with the expectation that sex will hurt. That is true for a little pain that a few women will encounter the first time they have sex because of the tearing up of their hymen, however, expecting it every time after that isn’t exactly right. There could be many reasons for this pain and most of them might not be medical conditions either, but rather than exploring why that pain exists at all we depend on the pervasive cultural expectations which can lead to the development of a medical condition. This ignorance just keeps growing and we even start bearing the burns, rashes and the like that come with painful sex.
Absence of Communication
So even if you do decide that the pain is getting too much for you and something has to be done, who do you talk to? We have already established that women won’t talk to their partners out of fear that they might feel that there’s something wrong with her. You can’t take this up with your family and even friends at times because even now Sex is a taboo in most parts of the country. It’s even harder to find a sex-positive healthcare provider. Getting respectfully informed care is paramount for every sexually active individual which makes seeking mental health care from someone who specializes in sexuality, the right path.
We aren’t all born to be a pro in the bed. There are many obstacles that we need to get the past in order to achieve the pleasure that comes with sex. One of these hurdles is the lack of sexual confidence which keeps many of us silent. However, it is important to realize that we need to stand up to what’s causing us discomfort, for staying silent only makes things worse.
Inspired by the Harry Potter movies, Anmol started writing short stories at the age of 7 (which were as good as they could be). Now 19, and pursuing a Bachelors in Business Administration, she has started writing blogs mostly on pop culture and issues that affect the masses. A feminist to the core, she hopes to work for the United Nations some day on their Women Empowerment projects.