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Male here: I ask this question anonymously on this forum because I want unfettered feedback from Women.

Background:

    The last sexual/romantic relationship I was in ended 11 years ago.  It was emotionally, physically, sexually and financially abusive: multiple violations of restraining orders, an attempt on my life (woke up to being strangled) and in retrospect, rape (twice…. yes, it happens: a woman can rape a man).

    After this relationship, any notion of Sex stopped and I ceased contact with any datable woman for 5 years- including friends.  After 5 years, I picked up 1 or 2 female friends, but adamantly remained abstinent, avoiding dating until I could figure out what caused me to be in such a horrible relationship.

    A few year ago, I started Therapy, where I was able to realize, acknowledge and accept the abuse and physical/sexual assaults.  

    Therapy allowed me to understand why I had entered into that relationship and stayed for so long: turn out I had been molested by girls when I was 3-4 years old, and my relationship followed that pattern of abuse.

I am in the midsts of healing and realize that I want to be in a secure romantic relationship where I can express myself fully, including physically.  Of course I’m working on myself.  But my questions are:

    1). How do I reveal this information to a potential partner… Gradually?  But how gradual can you be when drawing close emotionally makes physical contact more difficult and painful.

    2). What types of responses can I anticipate?  How would you?  What percentage of women have the patience to deal with such BS?

    3)  Of course I am concerned about how I am perceived by a potential partner: what are your thoughts on how you perceive a man with such baggage?
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Thank you for replying.

To Clarify- I was abused: I have never in my life emotionally, physically or sexually abused anyone.

Honestly, that my initial question could be viewed like I have a history of abusing instead of being abused... things like that are why I feel the need to even pose the question.

2 Answers

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It is not true that once you have a bad past doesn't mean you are always bad. But as you know, your past always stays with you and there are more chances that the other side of yours (dark), may come out once you feel like you are in the same situation as you were before which led you to do such things.

Therapy helps! But does it change a person who they were? Maybe.

Being honest with those you love always is a good thing no matter what the truth is. If you want someone as your partner, I recommend you to be open with them and let them accept you as you are and were.
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2 words - Be honest

Be honest with your partner, nothing to say..

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