It is the fifth time I’m rewriting this letter. I have torn away four letters in the fright of communicating my feelings all wrong. But darling, you know how nervous I get when in situations like this! Remember the day I proposed to you? I even stuttered to get the words “I love you” right. You laughed at me like it was the most funny thing for you in the world. I don’t know if it was a laughter of happiness or did you really find my proposal funny? I want to know the answer to this question for the love of that laugh, that melodious sound or to see that beautiful smile! I can kill for it. In spite of everything, you accepted my proposal with a soft kiss on my cheek, as welcoming and warm as it felt. I can never forget that day even if you ask me to. How can someone forget the best day of his life? And then we lived together as two hearts and one beat, as two bodies and one soul, as two mortals but one feeling – a mutual feeling – a feeling called “Love.”
I’ve written this letter to get my message across to You, to tell you how much I die inside everyday and every time I miss you. This letter may never reach to you, for I might tear it down yet again believing it will annoy you the way all my actions did. Why all my words and actions, that once comforted you, started annoying you after six months of our relationship, I can never fathom. It never dawned on me that you were utterly bored and wanted something better for yourself. Never did it dawn on me that the smiles you smiled and the kisses you blew were nothing but acts of forgery.
What happened to all our love? What happened to you my darling? To the strongest person I ever knew?
It’s not that I didn’t contemplate on it. I thought about it all day and every night watching the dark sky that sheltered both of us. I thought about it no matter what. Everything was going on fine. We talked to each other, saw each other way too often, went to movies and pubs, spent time together, had a few quarrels but not major ones, held hands on the beach and looked like a normal couple would. What did exactly go wrong? I’m here to beg the answer from you. I am willing to apologize for all the miseries that I inflicted on you unknowingly, or perhaps having full knowledge about it. No, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to force you back in my life. I want to show you my brighter side like I always did. I want you to feel free about your opinions. I respect you and your feelings a lot. If it doesn’t take my efforts in getting you back, I will gently say goodbye, yet I will wait. Wait for the tide to change, wait for the coin to flip or as you used to say, wait for my day to come.
I want to tell you that I miss you. That would be an understatement but those are only the words I know to convey the depth of my poor feelings to you. I miss the way you stroke my hair, I miss the way you curled your long hair when you were deep in thought, I miss the way you wriggled your fingers when you felt shy, I miss your tight smiles, the way you tried to suppress it, but couldn’t and laughed heartily with your eyes sparkling and your shoulders nodding, I miss the way you knew when I was sad and you comforted me, I miss how you sounded while you were mad at me, I found it sexy, I miss how you made circles on my palm with your fingers and then closed them in with mine. Oh darling! I miss everything about you.
Do you remember the time when you took me to that holy shrine and asked me to pray for the things I needed in my life the most? Well, I did close my eyes and I did pray there. My Faith wasn’t as strong as yours, maybe, but I’m still waiting for those prayers to be granted. I wished for the speedy recovery of my sick mother and for a happy life with you. My first wish was satisfactorily fulfilled while for the second, I neither have a happy life nor you.
I’m wondering what you might be doing now and what will you be doing when my letter reaches you. I must rephrase it to, “if” my letter reaches you. After you left me saying ‘I don’t think we are compatible to each other’, my life has become a wonderland. You called me up, said those words and hung up without giving me a chance to reply. But did I call you back? No. Because I knew your sanity will return back to you and you will come back to me.
It’s been a month and four days, I haven’t seen your lovely face neither have I heard your cheerful voice. This silly disease called cancer is killing me slowly but what’s more killing are our sweet memories.
Didn’t I tell you that the doctor diagnosed me with cancer? The unusual coughing and severe pains I suffered were not of flu or tuberculosis. After you left, they intensified and my mother coaxed me to see a doctor. That is but a little thing for me. You might see a few stains on this letter if it reaches you but worry not, those are just my tears, nothing else.
I’m waiting for you to return and kindle our love. I will keep waiting for you regardless of any silly disease gnawing on my life. Don’t let my vulnerability weaken you.